Soul Food-Why Tough Love is NOT just for Others…But Yourself as Well

Soul Food-Why Tough Love is NOT just for Others…But Yourself as Well

Let’s clarify the meaning of the term “tough love.” According to Webster, love or concern is expressed sternly to promote responsible behavior. I’ve shortened the full-length description, but you’re a smart cookie; you get the picture.

What “tough love” is NOT is: being rude or alienating friends/loved ones. However, when a loved one in our circle of friends or family engages in unsafe habits or practices, it’s time to step in. Some people mistakenly think “tough love” only affects the person the tough love is directed toward. This couldn’t be further from the truth and may be harder on the person giving it than the person receiving it.

This is especially true when it comes to a mother’s love. I speak from experience, having two daughters and needing to extend tough love outwardly more than a few times. It reminds me of the cliché, “this hurts me more than it may hurt you!”

I bring this up at this time of year because it’s pertinent. If it’s relevant to my life, it means it applies to another’s life. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve written a blog and received feedback from a reader expressing gratitude for writing about something pertinent to their life.

When is “tough love” necessary? When another person is involved in your life, whether actively or from afar, indulges in behavior that causes harm to themselves or another human being or animal. (personally, you could also add intimate objects to this list, what if they bust up a coffee table or kitchen dishes, etc.) Depending on the severity of the situation, outside help, such as a therapist, may be necessary.

Here are a few scenarios where tough love may need to be enforced:

• Substance Use Disorders: These can consist of drugs, alcohol, or any other substance that, when used improperly, causes physical, emotional, and mental harm to a person’s well-being. Allowing it to continue over any length of time may lead to the loss of a job, home, children, or death. In severe cases, if you suspect this, seek a professional’s advice for assistance. Some well-meaning friends/family members play the role of the enabler without realizing that’s what they’re doing, thus causing the situation to worsen or linger on much longer, causing irreparable damage.
• Difficult Relationships: This is probably one of the more common situations where it goes on for quite a while before either party realizes what’s happening. Again, the damage is started and will increase, causing a domino or snowball effect if not handled immediately and properly. This tough love scenario can be prevented if recognized early and ground rules and boundaries are set and respected. You have a right to be treated kindly and respectfully as a human being and a divine child of God (regardless of your religious beliefs). You are within your right to distance yourself from the said individual if you are not being treated as you deserve! – As some of you know, I worked with survivors of domestic violence for a few years, and I know this scenario too well.
• Daily Life Obligations: This is far too common for parents with children. There must be clear-cut rules in the house regarding behavior, school, social activities, chores, etc. My youngest used to call me “Mommie Dearest” because she had chores to do (without an allowance) and she had to walk to school (we’ve all heard how far our parents walked, and their parents, etc.) and I even went as far as she had to set her own alarm clock and get her ass up for school. (Can you imagine me doing these God-awful things?) Well, I can tell you today she is 33 years old, very successful, and bought her own home. I couldn’t be more proud of my baby girl. She has thanked me countless times through the years for how tough she “thought” I was on her.
• The Workplace: I won’t go into this here; you can get the general idea from the above items.
• Give Yourself Tough Love: We must remember to nurture ourselves during the holiday season! Remember what I’ve brought up a zillion times in the Louise Hay classes I taught? The stewardess on the plane has you put the oxygen mask on YOURSELF first, children second. If you can’t breathe, you’re no good to anyone else. We also need to practice discipline and self-control. This could mean setting goals and having rewards or consequences when these are accomplished.
  • we could all use a break from social media
  • think twice, and count to ten before blurting something out of your mouth you may regret
  • turn off the boob tube more often than not (most of you are aware I don’t own a TV, I gave it up 33 years ago when my youngest daughter was born)
  • eating healthy and exercising even a minute or two a day creates good habits
  • meditating and/or reading spiritual or metaphysical material

Why IS Tough Love So Hard?

People who may be involved in unsafe behaviors may feel they’re being judged or attacked when you’re simply trying to offer a helping hand. They might not be ready or recognize the need for change, and “if” they think they’ve hurt loved ones, this may lead to further guilt and shame, which could be detrimental in itself. For the person giving “tough love,” this may alienate the person from you, but letting things continue isn’t conducive to healing for either party. This is where a mental health professional may be necessary.