Soul Food-Who in our Lives Causes Us the Most Pain?
…the ones who know we love them unconditionally.
I’m not alone in this, which is why I’m writing this to you today. We’ve all been there, you, me, and even the man upstairs. Didn’t the same people Jesus loved betray him?
Now, I’m not comparing myself to Jesus in any way, shape, or form, but there have been times in my life when I’ve had the thought, “Now, I know how Jesus felt.“
I recall crying for almost two years at separate times in my life, and both times were because of my oldest daughter, and those years were 26 years apart. Have things changed? Not much; the only thing that has changed is how I handle it. I no longer play the game; I “try” not to let my emotions get the better of me. I also realize (for the most part) those are her issues, not mine.
So why do the people we love the most cause us such intense pain, and sometimes for a very long time? I’ll tell you why…
“People cling to their hates so stubbornly because they sense,
once hate is gone, they will be forced to deal with pain.” – James Baldwin
They know deep down that you love them unconditionally, and no matter what “they do, say, etc.” you’re the one person on Planet Earth that will always love them.
They are a plethora of reasons why this happens:
- they feel so much shame & guilt they can’t acknowledge it
- they don’t know how (or don’t want to) change their behavior
- it’s easier for them to take it out on you than look inside themselves
- they probably aren’t even aware of what they’re doing (although a part of me thinks, “how can you not?”)
- it’s easier to go down a road they’re familiar with than travel a new path into the unknown
Now, I’m not a psychotherapist by any means, and I haven’t done any research on this subject (not yet, but I’m about to before I finish this blog). Those were just “MY” thoughts.
Now here’s what the “experts” say:
- Self-Sabotage/Self-Punishment – they don’t feel worthy of themselves, so they act in ways that confirm those beliefs. Although it may be unconscious, they hurt others to hurt themselves
2. Gaining Control – this is done especially in intimate relationships; the old adage I’m going to hurt you first, so you don’t hurt me
3. Trust & Safety – the more trust you have in a relationship you “feel safe” to be yourself, and may inadvertently act in ways that hurt others, but you’re not aware that your actions may be causing hurt to the other person
4. Attachment Style – unconsciously, we love in familiar ways to reenact our childhood experiences
5. Asserting Independence – when the emotions start running too deep, and the space is closing in, you may not be able to handle that; unconsciously you may start doing things to mark your territory, not realizing you may be doing something that hurts the other person
6. Boundary testing – (Ah, this one sounds familiar) they keep pushing the limits of boundaries (just as a child does) to see how far they can go
7. Idealization & High Expectations – (this refers to us, not the person doing the hurting) We set our expectations too high and put our lover, friend, boss whomever on a pedestal, then when they act normal, the least little thing hurts us (I definitely am familiar with this one, I’ve put most of my male relationships so high up on that pedestal, they were bound to disappoint me)
8. Time & Displacement – think of the spouse whose boss yelled at him all day, then he comes home & you’re there & he knows you love him unconditionally & it takes everything out on you (because he doesn’t know how to react to his boss); as unfortunate as this one is, I would surmise it’s probably the most common
(reference: https://www.youniversetherapy.com/)
SO WHAT DO WE DO ABOUT ALL THIS?
Forgive that person (you’re not condoning the action, “you” are just forgiving them in your heart). It’s up to the person who is instilling the hurt to recognize and become aware of the behavior, which I feel may take a long time unless both parties are in a space to talk about it. I feel it depends on the relationship, mother-daughter, father-son, friend-friend, romantic partnership, etc. For the person being hurt, hopefully, this blog will help you to realize it’s not your fault (sure, we all have a role in these types of things, but ultimately in these types of scenarios, the other person needs to take responsibility for their actions). My suggestion for you is “take care of yourself” – seek counseling to deal with how “you” are handling it. We must be able to breathe ourselves before we put the oxygen mask on others.
On a lighter note, here’s my latest Reach for the Moon TV show on Aries & my special guest star Dr. Geroge Berki talking to you about the powerful effects of Acupuncture & Astrology.
Live Acupuncture demonstration with myself & Dr. George Berki of Avon Chiropractic
Ziggy Starrdust & I thank you. If you feel moved or inspired, feel free to drop a coin in the tip jar or the Venmo button below
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